It is filled with vague words with depressing connotations so that my problems sound worse than they may or may not really be, who knows what’s real and what isn’t? It doesn’t matter anyway; the whole point of this blog entry is to not name any names and make everyone wonder what in the world is wrong with me today. Of course, I could just write this on a private blog or maybe even a Word document, but no one has to know that, right? I’m just here to “express my feelings,” and while I’m at it, I might as well make all my stalkers and followers curious and grab their attentions.
The whole purpose of me writing this is because people are by nature nosy, and the more vague this entry is, the more curious they’ll all be. Oh good, now that they’re all paying attention to me, I’ll make some profound-sounding allusion to an extremely well-known work of literature, like I don’t know, the mother-effing Bible? The more famous the work, the more complicated my life will seem. I mean, everyone knows that if you can connect events occurring in your own life to something as big, famous, and great as the Bible, your life has got to be astounding. Astoundingly horrible, that is. Who wants to be able to sympathize with all the people of the world whom Noah had to leave behind when he hopped onto his ark and said, “So long, motherfuckers?” Not me, of course. But I have to, you know? That’s just how depressing my life is.
Oh, but one more thing – this allusion of mine has to be vague, like the rest of my writing. It has to sound as dramatic and terrible as possible to match the state of various affairs in my life. I could’ve had a gigantic stork take a huge shit on my face, but no one should be able to tell. Instead, it should read, “It feels as if all the world’s storms and disasters have come together to act against me today. My life is already so miserable, and now I must endure even more of this headfirst. Oh, how could I possibly go on? Nothing is going right – that is the very reason for my constant unhappiness. Please, just end this pain now…I can’t stand it anymore. Why did you do this to me? Look at my face, do you see how miserable I am? How could you? Have you no heart? Go ahead, do this to me. Commit this unforgivable sin against me and just fly away. See if I care. My heart has already been flooded by the weight of all my pain; it makes no difference whether you give me all this shit or not.” See? No one will be able to tell that all that happened was that I took a mother-effing walk through the park, where there are many birds anyway, and one came along and pooped all over my poor widdle forehead. They’re all going to wonder what in the world could possibly be wrong with me now, and we can all have a pity party and cry our eyeballs out. I’ll be the guest of honor, because nothing in my life is going right at the moment and I might as well get something my way, yeah?
Here is an ambiguous photo to accompany my ambiguous blog entry. See how saturated everything is? The editor of this photo evidently reallylikes playing with the Brightness/Contrast and Curves tools on Adobe Photoshop. Now you can see all the little details at 2000% of the original brightness! Oh, joy! My life is so dark and gloomy; we might as well have some excessively-photoshopped picture brighten things up a bit, you know? The beloved photo editor also added this super awesome 100% real meal deal deepass quote to make everything profound. What’s that you say? The quote has nothing to do with the actual picture? Oh, don’t be silly! That’s only because you’re obviously not deep enough to understand. Maybe one day shit will happen to you and it’ll all be clear to you, but for now just rest your poor little naïve soul and take pity on me and all my pain. If you were profound and wise enough, you’d definitely be able to see the light. There is so much meaning behind this picture; the quote and the photo itself just intertwine so beautifully! It’s all just so profound and deep and ambiguous that it just about connects toeverything in my life. In fact, that’s why the editor of this particular photo altered 500 other photos with the same exact quote (or an equally vague one!) It’s a work of sheer genius! Now I have 501 pictures in total to flip through and connect to when I am wallowing in my own self-pity! Sure, the sentence may not make grammatical sense or have basic spelling errors, but when it comes to the great scheme of life, what does it matter? These are only miniscule mistakes, especially when you compare them to the magnitude of my dreadful problems. And look at the pretty font – it’s not in Helvetica Neue, which is obviously the best font in the galaxy, but it’s still gorgeous and deep-looking (whatever that means) enough to stir my emotions. This is perfection at its finest, my dear readers.
Now that I’m done being all vague about my life, I think I’ll end this with another super amazing awesome spectacular motherfucking supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (whew, big words! The more big words I have, the more intelligent I’ll seem, and then everyone will take my problems even more seriously!) quote. Not only will this quotation be italicized, bolded, and underlined, but it’ll be written in a larger font size than the rest of this blog entry has been. If people didn’t pay attention to me earlier, they’ll have to now. It’s foolproof! I can’t wait to count the number of readers who comment or confront me to ask what’s wrong – if the number is less than or equal to the number of fingers, toes, and hairs on my head, trust me, there will be blood. My problems are so important, I need to have the attentions of the entire United States population (and maybe the citizens of India and China as well) before I will lay them to rest.
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